Mellanöstern och Nordafrika Tidningen
Published On: Tue, Feb 17th, 2015

Arrangerat äktenskap, en lyckad process eller ej?

Khawla, 28 år och tvåbarnsmamma: ”Jag tycker att arrangerat äktenskap är något som kan lyckas och hålla på lång sikt, så länge båda parterna är med på noterna och allt går till på rätt sätt.”  Här berättar hon om hur det gick till då hon själv matchades ihop med sin man. 

Vad innebär ett arrangerat äktenskap?

– Det är när en matchning av ett par sker genom föräldrarna. Det går till på så många olika sätt, men i första hand går det som regel genom föräldrarna.

Khawla menar att det inleds på olika sätt. Ibland genom att en man känner sig redo att gifta sig och då får hans familj i uppdrag att hitta en flickvän åt honom som de anser är lämplig.

– I andra fall, kan det vara att en kille ser en tjej på en middag eller på ett event som han gillar och i samband med det, frågar sina föräldrar att be om tjejens hand. Men det betyder inte att de måste gifta sig! Mer att han ska lära känna henne, med hennes föräldrars välsignelse.

Khawla säger att det är ett traditionellt sätt att träffa en tjej på, och mycket respektfullt, då det sker med båda föräldrarnas samförstånd samtidigt som det ger tydliga signaler på att killen verkligen har seriösa avsikter.

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Hur lärde du känna din man?

– Hans syster som bor här i Sverige, råkade sitta vid samma bord som mig när vår familj var på bröllop och vi pratade och tyckte bra om varandra. Det var den enda gången hon träffade mig. Efter en tid, kontaktade hon min familj och berättade om hennes bror som ville gifta sig.

Efter att Khawlas pappa fick veta allmänt om vem killen var; hans familj, utbildning och mer av det han tyckte var viktigt att få information om, accepterade han killen som friare till Khawla.

– När pappa pratade med mig om det, ville jag inte till en början, för att jag tyckte att jag var för ung. Jag var bara 21 år och ville inte gifta mig på det sättet. Men sedan lyckades pappa övertyga mig, och sa att det inte kommer att skada om jag provade att lära känna killen. I slutändan är det ändå jag som bestämmer hur jag vill göra.

Khawla gick med på att prata med killen; han fick hennes telefonnummer. Första samtalet var hon väldigt nervös. Han hann bara presentera sig och därefter bröts det. Det gick bara fem minuter sedan var det över.

– Det passerade två veckor tills nästa gång han ringde, men den här gången pratade vi i hela två timmar. Och så fortsatte det. Ibland kunde vi prata hela dagen och på kvällen också, med varandra. Det tog lång tid innan han ringde första gången men efter det skickade han dikter till mig som jag uppskattade och tyckte var väldigt gulliga.

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Kommunicerade via messenger

På den tiden fanns det bara MSN och Yahoo som de höll kontakten med varandra genom. Ibland var internetmottagningen dålig i Irak, där han bodde, så det bröts konstant.

Khawla säger att för honom tog det inte långt tid innan han hade bestämde sig för att det var henne som han ville gifta sig med. Medan hon behövde ytterligare tid på sig för att komma fram till samma sak.

Vad som gjorde henne bekväm och som fick henne att slutligen falla för honom, var hans personlighet och hur de såg på en framtid tillsammans. De hade så mycket gemensamt och kom överens om det mesta i livet.

– Bilderna som han skickade till mig var inte särskilt bra. Jag tyckte inte han var så snygg. Men trots det, så visste jag att det fanns något mer, att han var finare i verkligheten.

Första mötet

Det tog sex månader för Khawla att bestämma sig för honom. Då pratade han med sin syster som i sin tur kontaktade Khawlas föräldrar. Hans syster blev hembjuden till dem för att offentliggöra förlovningen.

– Eftersom vi är muslimer så måste killens familj komma hem till oss, och sedan tillsammans med min familj läsa en sura ur koranen som heter Al-fatha; det är en symbol för att våra liv ska börja på ett harmoniskt sätt. Det gjorde vi och då blev vi officiellt förlovade och kunde här påbörja processen för att få hit honom till Sverige.

Det tog ett år och två månader innan Khawla träffade sin fästman, Ahmed för allra första gången. De möttes i Egypten eftersom det inte fanns någon svensk ambassad i Irak. Ett starkt möte efter mycket längtan och många långa samtal via nätet och telefonen.

– Första gången jag såg honom på flygplatsen i Egypten var det väldigt stressigt. Jag var glad men nervös! När jag såg honom tyckte jag att han var väldigt snygg. Jag gillade hans kropp och att han var längre än mig. Han var väldigt stilig.

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En månad tillsammans

De spenderade en månad tillsammans i Egypten där de ansökte till migrationsverket om att han skulle få uppehållstillstånd i Sverige.

– Dagen jag åkte tillbaka till Sverige var väldigt jobbigt för oss båda. Vi var så kära i varandra och efter att äntligen ha träffats skulle vi skiljas åt igen och vänta på att han skulle få uppehållstillstånd. Men som tur var, tog det bara sex månader tills det att han var hos mig  i Sverige. Tre veckor efter ankomsten anordnade vi bröllop och gifte oss.


Vad tycker du om arrangerat äktenskap?

– Jag tycker att det är bra. Det kan fungera om man använder det på rätt sätt. Det påminner lite om ”blind dejting”, då dina vänner parar ihop dig med en kille eller som internet dejtning. Enda skillnaden är att föräldrarna är inblandade.

Khawla fortsätter med att säga att det ska ske frivilligt. Inte som vi hör ibland att föräldrarna tvingar sina döttrar att gifta sig med någon. Då blir det fel, eftersom det strider mot deras principer och är de dessutom muslimer går de också emot religionen.

– Det är inte bara muslimer som gifter sig på detta sättet, utan araber i allmänhet. Fast det är kanske bara muslimer som är väldigt öppna med det. Fast det betyder inte att man inte får bli kär eller gifta sig av kärlek. Tvärtom alla möjliga sätt är välkomna!

Hon berättar att hennes föräldrar blev kära och gifte sig och att det inte var arrangerat. Men tillägger att hon gifte sig med sin man för att hon också älskade honom.

– Jag föll för honom kan man säga! Och nu har vi två barn tillsammans och har varit gifta i sex år. Det går bättre och bättre för oss för varje dag; jag blir mer och mer kär i honom hela tiden.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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