Mellanöstern och Nordafrika Tidningen
Published On: Wed, Jul 20th, 2016

Would Jesus Vote for Trump?

This blog is about the Middle East, but the current election campaign in the United States will go a long way in deciding the future of the region. As the Republican National Convention gets underway in Cleveland, Ohio, the following scenario is worth considering.

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Let us assume, just for political incorrectness, that Jesus returns to earth before the Rapture to interview the candidate that an estimated 4/5th of Evangelicals say they will vote for in November. The candidate is Donald Trump, who represents just about everything that Evangelicals say is sinful, like cheating on his wife, lying through his teeth over and over again, inciting prejudice against Mexicans, Muslims and women. So what might the interview sound like…

Jesus:  Donald, I hear that one of your favorite sayings in the Bible is “an eye for an eye.” It seems you did not read far enough to catch my Sermon on the Mount (Matthew, chapter 5), where I said: “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also.”

The Donald: OK, so if some illegal alien slaps me on the cheek, I won’t take out his eye.  I get that. I will slap him back on the other cheek, right?

Jesus: I think you miss the point. Let me explain. “You have heard that it was said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” Have you prayed for the woman you call “Crooked Hillary” today?

The Donald: You must be kidding. That woman must have her period all the time. I never saw anyone so ugly. I don’t really think of her as an enemy; she is too pathetic to go there. Look, even her husband cheated on her. That says something, you know.

Jesus:  But you did the same thing and even bragged about it. Here’s what I said before, if you had bothered to read beyond the Old Testament: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.” So you are in big trouble. You might want to think about taking that big thing of yours, the one you mentioned to Rubio, and lopping it off to save your soul.

Donald: Look, I must be doing something right because see how successful I am. Why I have more money that the Pope. God must like me.

Jesus: You miss the point again. Listen to what I said (Matthew 19): “Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” I am not talking about a Camel cigarette and I was thinking of the smallest needle ever.

The Donald: Well this is the 21st century and we don’t ride camels anymore, except maybe at a Vegas show. Look, I can buy anything I want. I’m sure there is room for a Trump Tower in heaven.

Jesus: I have news for you, although I said it over two millennia ago (Matthew 23): “For those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” You may win the GOP nomination, but the world will see it’s “liar, liar pants on fire” in the end. I’ll say it one last time: “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

When the Donald heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.

Then Jesus quoted one last time from the Bible (John 11:35): “Then Jesus wept.”

About the Author

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Anthropologist and historian with 40 years of experience researching and working in Yemen. Varisco is currently the President of the American Institute for Yemeni Studies, a Senior Postdoctoral Scholar at the Institute for Social Anthropology at the Austrian Academy of Sciences, and an expert advisor to MENA Tidningen.

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